Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
