When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
