she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
