I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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