At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
