Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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