Yo dont text me then not text me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
