What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
