you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
