Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
