she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
