how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
