How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
