I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
