This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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