I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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