On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
