I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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