Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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