just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
