I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
