oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
