I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Randomize
