I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
