I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
