You really coming over, don't trick.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
