There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
