hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
