mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
