I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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