Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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