I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We smell like vodka and hangover
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