im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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