I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
