she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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