Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
