Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
