Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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