My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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