from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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