Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
