where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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