The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
