your parents love me but you hate me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
