Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
