The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
where does the pee come out of this thing
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
