tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
