i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
