dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
