I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
